Looking for funny quotes? Here we’ve collected over 400 funny quotes on a variety of topics (short funny, famous, quotes for men, women, kids,…)

The Funniest Quotes Ever

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The more you weight the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake. tweet

 

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. ~Mark Twain tweet

 

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? ~Jerry Seinfeld tweet

 

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. ~Billy Sunday tweet

 

Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright. ~Laurell K. Hamilton tweet

 

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. ~Mark Twain tweet

 

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. ~Lily Tomlin tweet

 

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. ~Winston S. Churchill tweet

 

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. ~Cathy Guisewite tweet

 

Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. ~Ellen DeGeneres tweet

 

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. ~Bill Murray tweet

 

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. ~Will Rogers tweet

 

My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers. ~Jimmy Carter tweet

 

I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth. ~Will Rogers tweet

 

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. ~Rodney Dangerfield tweet

 

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. ~George Carlin tweet

 

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. ~Lawrence Ferlinghetti tweet

 

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. ~Rodney Dangerfield tweet

 

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. ~George Bernard Shaw tweet

 

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. ~Fred Allen tweet

 

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. ~Steven Wright tweet

 

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. ~Golda Meir tweet

 

The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. ~Gore Vidal tweet

 

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. ~Albert Einstein tweet

 

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. ~Mark Twain tweet

 

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments. tweet

 

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth. tweet

 

Short Funny Quotes

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I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure. tweet

 

Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done. tweet

 

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. tweet

 

Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said. tweet

 

I am not lazy, I am on energy saving mode. tweet

 

I’m addicted to placebos. ~Steven Wright tweet

 

When nothing is going right, go left. tweet

 

Reality continues to ruin my life. ~Bill Watterson tweet

 

Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too. tweet

 

Never miss a good chance to shut up. ~Will Rogers tweet

 

Sane is boring. ~R.A. Salvatore tweet

 

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. tweet

 

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. ~Phyllis Diller tweet

 

A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. tweet

 

I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you. tweet

 

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. tweet

 

I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money. ~Pablo Picasso tweet

 

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. ~Elbert Hubbard tweet

 

All generalizations are false, including this one. ~Mark Twain tweet

 

What’s another word for Thesaurus? ~Steven Wright tweet

 

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. ~Spanish Proverb tweet

 

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. ~Mitch Hedberg tweet

 

Puns are the highest form of literature. ~Alfred Hitchcock tweet

 

Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect. tweet

 

What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’? tweet

 

Your life can’t fall apart if you never had it together! tweet

 

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower. ~Mitch Hedberg tweet

 

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. tweet

 

Famous Funny Quotes

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I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money. ~Pablo Picasso tweet

 

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say ‘How to Build a Boat.’ ~Steven Alexander Wright tweet

 

There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart. ~Melanie Griffith tweet

 

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. ~Albert Einstein tweet

 

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. ~Mark Twain tweet

 

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. ~Albert Einstein tweet

 

A good speech should be like a woman’s skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest. ~Winston Churchill tweet

 

I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy. ~Frank Zappa tweet

 

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank. ~Woody Allen tweet

 

Inspirational Funny Quotes

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To be successful, regardless of the field, one needs to be a participant in the field of battle, rather than a spectator. tweet

 

There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep. tweet

 

You’ll be richer in the end than a prince if you’re a friend tweet

 

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. tweet

 

You may plan to write a book someday, but you are living a book every day. tweet

 

Yesterday, I forgot how a friend hurt my feelings. Today, I forgot what I did to make him mad. tweet

 

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television. tweet

 

I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it. tweet

 

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. tweet

 

I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it. tweet

 

 

Read: Inspirational Quotes

Funny Quotes From Social (Pinterest, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter…)

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I want to change my name on Facebook to “Nobody,” so when I see someone posting something stupid I can Like their post and it will say “Nobody likes this.” ~Anonymous tweet

 

I’m so tired, the bags under my eyes are bigger than my boobs. tweet

 

You have Facebook? Yup. You have Whatsapp? Yup. You have love? Forgot to install it. ~Anonymous tweet

 

I hate math…But I love counting money. tweet

 

If I don’t log into Facebook two days in a row, call the police, someone must’ve kidnapped me! ~Anonymous tweet

 

Enjoy the good times because something terrible is probably about to happen. tweet

 

If my life was an action movie, my boss would be the spy trying to sabotage my mission, and my mission would be going on Facebook. ~Anonymous tweet

 

Long time ago I used to have a life, until someone told me to create a Facebook account. ~Anonymous tweet

 

It’s almost bed time, so I’ll just check my e-mail, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and watch a season of my favorite show on Netflix real quick. ~Anonymous tweet

 

I’m going to use what little energy I have today to breathe and maybe blink. That’s about it. tweet

 

I’m going to open a new Facebook account named ‘Anonymous’ so all the cool quotes will be attributed to me! ~Clinton Thomas tweet

 

I made my Facebook name “Benefits,” so when you add me now it says “you’re friends with benefits.” ~Anonymous tweet

 

Facebook needs three buttons, “Like”, “Dislike” and “Stop being stupid.” ~Anonymous tweet

 

When I have children, I’m going to make them watch the movie “2012” and tell them I survived that. tweet

 

When I offer you food, it’s only because my mother raised me right. As my friend, please read the truth in my eyes and politely decline. tweet

 

Funny Quotes About Friends, Friendship

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There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate. ~Linda Grayson tweet

 

“True friendship is when you walk into their house and your WiFi connects automatically.“ ~Unknown tweet

 

A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. tweet

 

You and I are more than friends. We’re like a really small gang. ~Unknown tweet

 

“A good friend will help you move. But a best friend will help you move a dead body.“ ~Jim Hayes tweet

 

Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice. ~Otto von Bismarck tweet

 

“It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.“ ~Marlene Dietrich tweet

 

Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day. tweet

 

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson tweet

 

“Friends are the family you choose.“ ~Jess C. Scott tweet

 

“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.“ ~Arnold H. Glasgow tweet

 

Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected. ~Charles Lamb tweet

 

There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate. ~Linda Grayson tweet

 

“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.“ ~Samuel Butler tweet

 

Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warm feeling inside. ~Unknown tweet

 

“True friends don’t judge each other, they judge other people together” ~Emilie Saint-Genis tweet

 

Read: Friendship Quotes

Funny Quotes For Girls

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I am strong, I am beautiful, I am enough. tweet

 

“My style is simple, kinda girly, but with a bit of an edge.” ~ Erin Heatherton tweet

 

“Eat diamonds for breakfast and shine all day.” tweet

 

I’m not a perfect girl. My hair doesn’t always stay in place and I spill things a lot. I’m pretty clumsy and sometimes I have a broken heart. My friends and I sometimes fight and some days nothing goes right. But when I think about it and take a step back I remember how amazing life truly is and that maybe. Just maybe. I like being imperfect! tweet

 

A baby girl is one of the most beautiful miracles in life, one of the greatest joys we can ever know, and one of the reasons why there is a little extra sunshine, laughter and happiness in your world today. tweet

 

“And though she be but little, she is fierce.” ~ Shakespeare tweet

 

“Give a girl the correct footwear and she can conquer the world.” ~ Bette Midler tweet

 

“I’m a girl. Don’t touch my hair, face, phone, or boyfriend.” tweet

 

“Keep calm and love a short girl.” tweet

 

If a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a damn if she’s late? tweet

 

“A clever girl may pass through the phase of foolish miss on the way to sensible woman.” – Mary Lascelles tweet

 

“I’m not short, I’m compact and ridiculously adorable.” tweet

 

“Every short girl should have a tall guy that makes her smile.” tweet

 

Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life. tweet

 

“I’m the type of girl that puts on her better smile, her better outfit, and better attitude and shows him what he left behind.” tweet

 

Funny Quotes From Kids

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I love you tiny pants, Dad. tweet

 

If you listen very quietly, it sounds like the rain is playing music in the grass and the trees… ~Gideon, age 6 tweet

 

I really love being human. But some days I really wish I could be a fairy. ~Greta, age 4 tweet

 

Don’t worry, I got this (staring excitedly at her ice cream) ~Daughter, age 4 tweet

 

Mommy, do you know what the Italian Renaissance is? It’s naked people. ~Simon, age 8 tweet

 

How do you keep seeing through all of my disguises? ~Alex, age 4 tweet

 

Mommy. I’m not joking, I’m not kidding, and I’m not playing. I need chocolate. ~Sophia, age 3 tweet

 

Fog is just clouds that have fell down ~Dylan, age 6 tweet

 

I was not kicking Brady; I was just loving him with my boot. ~Claire, age 4 tweet

 

Ow! My eye! I didn’t know where my hand was going. I thought it wanted to rest behind my head but it wanted to poke me in the eye! ~Gabriel, age 4 tweet

 

It was fun being famous on my birthday. ~Ashlyn, age 6 tweet

 

I better go to bed now. I have a dream locked up in my heart that I need to let out. ~Greta, age 4 tweet

 

I really wish I had some yoga pants. Even though I don’t really do yoga. Kinda like you mom… ~Hannah, age 6 tweet

 

Funny Quotes For Him

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“I think you are suffering from a lack of vitamin me.” tweet

 

I love you like a biker loves his Harley.

“Mornings were made for sleeping, wild sex, and bacon.” tweet

 

“I love you. You annoy me more than I ever thought possible. But I want to spend every irritating minute with you.” tweet

 

“I love you even when I’m really, really hungry.” tweet

 

Falling in love with you sure beats the other falls I had today! tweet

 

Funny Quotes For Boyfriend

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Despite the contradictory advice circulated in the late ’90s, if you want to be my lover, please do not get with my friends. tweet

 

You’ve stolen a pizza my heart tweet

 

I check my phone sixty times each minute of each hour to see if you have cared enough to say hello tweet

 

You own my heart. And my ass. tweet

 

No relationship is all sunshine, but two people can share one umbrella and survive the storm together. tweet

 

Treat your career like a bad boyfriend. Your career wont take care of you. It won’t call you back or introduce you to its parents. Your career will openly flirt with other people while you are around. ~Amy Poehler tweet

 

If there ever comes a day, when we can’t be together, keep me in your heart, I’ll stay there forever. tweet

 

Let’s cuddle so I can steal your body heat… tweet

 

I love my crazy, goofy, sometimes stupid boyfriend tweet

 

Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that’s why I don’t have a boyfriend. ~Lucy Liu tweet

 

I love you with all my butt, I would say heart, but my butt is bigger. tweet

 

I think I feel most like a princess when I’m sort of bursting with happiness and love, so whether that would be, like, with my boyfriend or my family or at a really fun party – just when you’re full of life. ~Lily James tweet

 

I promise to always be by your side. Or under you. Or on top. tweet

 

 

I think you are suffering from a lack of vitamin me. tweet

 

Mornings were made for sleeping, wild sex, and bacon. tweet

 

What I tell a girl is, your six-pack hot boyfriend right now, in six years, will be balding and maybe have a paunch. But I make you laugh every five minutes today, and I’ll make you laugh 20 years from now; that’s not going to go away. ~Vir Das tweet

 

When I’m not working… I’m an actor! I’m auditioning! I like to hang out, have fun, drink, club, meet boys, look for boyfriends, play MASH, the usual. ~Xosha Roquemore tweet

 

I love you even when I’m really, really hungry. tweet

 

The best boyfriends are the ones in books. ~Leah Blundell tweet

 

I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole. tweet

 

Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesterday, yesterday you were pretty annoying. tweet

 

 

I promise to love you, respect you, support you, and above all else, make sure I’m not just yelling at you because I’m hungry. tweet

 

I could lay next to you forever. Or until we decide to go eat. tweet

 

If you are lucky enough to find a weirdo, never let them go tweet

 

I love you more than coffee. But please don’t make me prove it. tweet

 

‘Who wears the pants in our relationship?’ We prefer it when neither of us are wearing pants. tweet

 

Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me. Then I remember, oh I put up with you. So we’re even. tweet

 

We were the best kind of friends and suddenly BAM I was in love with him. tweet

 

Funny Quotes About School

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I said school starts tomorrow. I didn’t say I was going to be there. ~Kim Harrison tweet

 

“No wonder the teacher knows so much; she has the book.” ~Edgar Watson Howe tweet

 

My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary column. ~Norm Crosby tweet

 

“In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.” ~Tom Bodett tweet

 

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. ~Kurt Vonnegut tweet

 

“Some students drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.” ~E.C. McKenzie tweet

 

School is learning things you don’t want to know, surrounded by people you wish you didn’t know, while working toward a future you don’t know will ever come. ~Dave Kellett tweet

 

“People learn something every day, and a lot of times it’s that what they learned the day before was wrong.” ~Bill Vaughan tweet

 

When I was growing up, my parents told me, ‘Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.’ I tell my daughters, ‘Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.’ ~Thomas Friedman tweet

 

As long as algebra is taught in school, there will be prayer in school. ~Cokie Roberts tweet

 

If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. ~Edgar W. Howe tweet

 

“Work hard, nap hard.” ~Demi Lovato tweet

 

“Nothing grieves a child more than to study the wrong lesson and learn something he wasn’t suppose to.” ~E.C. McKenzie tweet

 

When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life. ~John Lennon tweet

 

When I say I miss school, I mean my friends and the fun. Not the school. ~Unknown tweet

 

Funny Quotes About Life

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“I’m sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It’s just been too intelligent to come here.” ~Arthur C. Clarke tweet

 

“Watching a person who successfully loses fifty pounds and changes her life is more inspirational than listening to a fitness coach with a perfect body.” ~Martin Meadows tweet

 

“Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.” ~Stephen Hawking tweet

 

Without Sunday, I wouldn’t know when to put on the brakes of a hurtling life. ~Byron Pulsifer tweet

 

“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” ~Jerry Seinfeld tweet

 

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” ~Robert Frost tweet

 

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.” ~Albert Einstein tweet

 

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” ~Rodney Dangerfield tweet

 

“Do not take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive.” ~Elbert Hubbard tweet

 

“Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.” ~Laurell K. Hamilton tweet

 

“It’s funny, I spent the first half of my life desperately trying not to become my mother, and now I am spending the second half of my life desperately hoping to become half the woman that she is.” ~Helen C. Escott tweet

 

“Life only delivers to people that create their own postal code.” ~Jelani Daniel tweet

 

“I can resist everything exept temptation.” ~Oscar Wilde tweet

 

“It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it’s called Life.” ~Terry Pratchett tweet

 

“Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.” ~William Goldman tweet

 

“A mother is the best friend God ever gave.” ~Christian Nestell Bovee tweet

 

“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.” ~Charles Bukowski tweet

 

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” ~Albert Einstein tweet

 

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” ~Cathy Guisewite tweet

 

“Life without Christ is like a vacuum cleaner without the electrical electrical cord plugged in. It has no power to suck up the dirt.” ~Don Wilton tweet

 

“Life is short. Eat dessert first.” tweet

 

“Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” ~William Goldman tweet

 

“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” ~Isaac Asimov tweet

 

Read more: Life Quotes

Funny Quotes About Life Lessons

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Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful. ~Annette Funicello tweet

 

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon. tweet

 

Seek to learn constantly while you live; do not wait in the faith that old age by itself will bring wisdom. ~Solon tweet

 

Life is funny, when you are young you want to be older and those that are older wish to be younger. tweet

 

Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things. tweet

 

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.” ~Woody Allen tweet

 

Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life. tweet

 

“This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.” ~George V. Higgins tweet

 

People will laugh at anything, except their own moronic self. tweet

 

“All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust.” ~J.M. Barrie tweet

 

You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake tweet

 

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.” ~Will Rogers tweet

 

Read: Life Quotes

Funny Quotes About Love, Relationship, and Marriage

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A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor tweet

 

My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside – Made in Taiwan. ~Leopold Fetchner tweet

 

Where love is the case, the doctor is an ass. ~English Proverb tweet

 

Love thy neighbor, just watch out for the husband ~Anonymous tweet

 

True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen. ~Francois de la Rochefoucauld tweet

 

I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. ~Chico Marx tweet

 

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else. ~Jean Kerr tweet

 

I had a dream that i still loved you…I think I woke up screaming. ~Christine tweet

 

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx tweet

 

You add meaning to my life and yet, you subtract some cash from my wallet. tweet

 

As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy. ~Ralphie May tweet

 

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. ~ Phyllis Diller tweet

 

It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes. ~Lucille Ball tweet

 

Love; A temporary insanity curable by marriage. ~Ambrose Bierce tweet

 

A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears ~Les Dawson tweet

 

If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards. ~J.A. Redmerski tweet

 

Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at the large number that re-enlist. ~James Garner tweet

 

Related:

Relationship Quotes

Funny Quotes About Food, Eating

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Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. ~Mark Twain tweet

 

There is no sincerer love than the love of food ~George Bernard Shaw tweet

 

When people ask me what is more important, food or love, I don’t answer because I’m eating. ~Anonymous tweet

 

Making food: 1 hour. Eating food: 20 seconds. Washing dishes: never ending. ~Anonymous tweet

 

Fries before guys…and pretty much everything else. tweet

 

I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food. tweet

 

If you really want to make a friend, go to someone’s house and eat…The people who give you their food give you their heart. ~Cesar Chavez tweet

 

That feeling you get in your stomach when you see food tweet

Ways to my heart:
1. Buy me food
2. Make me food
3. Be food tweet

 

The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating ~John Walters tweet

 

Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food. ~Hippocrates tweet

 

There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. ~Kevin James tweet

 

Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?” tweet

 

There’s no ‘we’ in ‘Food’ tweet

 

Questions to ask on a first date: Are you a normal ice-cream cone licker or one of those people who bites right into it like some kind of animal? tweet

 

I won’t be impressed with technology till I can download food. tweet

 

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it. tweet

 

Dieting is when you eat food that makes you sad. tweet

 

Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever. tweet

 

I’ve never been in love…but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see a waiter arriving with your food. tweet

 

The best things in life are free*.
*Does not apply to pizza. tweet

 

Love is an open door…to a really good bakery. tweet

 

People who love to eat, are always the best people ~Julia Child tweet

 

Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments ~Bethenny Frankel tweet

Funny Quotes About Work

 

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early. ~Groucho Marx tweet

 

If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.​ ~Albert Einstein tweet

 

My boss told me “It’s not rocket science.” Yeah, almost everything that exists is not rocket science. tweet

 

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? ~Edgar Bergen tweet

 

There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?​ ~Kin Hubbard tweet

 

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.​ ~Stanley J. Randall tweet

 

If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.​ ~Claude McDonald tweet

 

Don’t worry, better days are coming. They are called Friday, Saturday and Sunday. ~Anonymous tweet

 

Stop crying, Monday will be over soon. ~Anonymous tweet

 

My son is now an “entrepreneur.” That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job. ~Ted Turner tweet

 

When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: Whose? ~Don Marquis tweet

 

Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. ~George Burns tweet

 

Work is just something I’m doing until I win the lottery. ~Anonymous tweet

 

I’m not feeling very worky today. ~Anonymous tweet

 

It’s funny how nobody notices all the good things you do until you don’t do them. ~Anonymous tweet

 

I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.​~Anonymous tweet

 

My bed wasn’t feeling well this morning, so I had to stay home to take care of it. ~Anonymous tweet

 

When my boss told me this is the fifth time I’m late, I smiled and thought to myself, it’s Friday!! ~Anonymous tweet

 

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. ~Steven Wright tweet

 

Funny Quotes About Family

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My family is temperamental. Half temper. Half mental. tweet

 

Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back. ~Earl Wilson tweet

 

Family is just accident…. They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are. ~Marsha Norman tweet

 

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and start using sleep deprivation to torture you. ~Ray Romano tweet

 

My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called “Pictures we took just to use up the rest of the film”. ~Penelope Lombard tweet

 

I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on. ~Ugo Betti tweet

 

I never know what to say when people ask me what my hobbies are. I mean, I’m a mom. tweet

 

If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that members not present and subjects discussed were one and the same. ~Robert Brault tweet

 

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. ~George Bernard Shaw tweet

 

My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’. tweet

 

You can not choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls! tweet

 

I realized my family was funny, because nobody ever wanted to leave our house. ~Anthony Anderson tweet

 

In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat. tweet

 

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. ~Erma Bombeck tweet

 

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom. ~Bob Hope tweet

 

If you don’t believe in ghosts, you’ve never been to a family reunion. ~Ashleigh Brilliant tweet

 

Crazy is a relative term in my family! ~Unknown tweet

 

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. ~Phyllis Diller tweet

 

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. ~W.C. Fields tweet

 

The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it. ~Erma Bombeck tweet

 

Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops. ~Cary Grant tweet

 

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin. ~Tim Vine tweet

 

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city ~George Burns tweet

 

Funny Quotes About Men

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“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” ~Albert Einstein tweet

 

Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. ~George Carlin tweet

 

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. ~Elaine Boosler tweet

 

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. ~Robin Williams tweet

 

A husband is someone who after taking the trash out gives the impression he’s cleaned the whole house! tweet

 

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won’t get a bikini wax. ~Rita Rudner tweet

 

No woman really wants a man to carry her off; she only wants him to want to do it. ~Elizabeth Peters tweet

 

Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can’t figure out what from. ~Mae West tweet

 

I don’t think women are better than men, but I do think that men are worse than women. ~Louis C.K. tweet

 

I don’t mind men who kiss and tell. I need all the publicity I can get. ~Ruth Buzzi tweet

 

The only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys! tweet

 

“Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.” ~Helen Rowland tweet

 

“The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.” ~Roseanne Barr tweet

 

Men are like commercials, you can’t believe a word they say. tweet

 

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. ~George Carlin tweet

 

It’s not the men in my life that count; it’s the life in my men. ~Mae West tweet

 

Always remember:
When SHE cancels a date, it is because..
“She has to.”
But
When HE cancels a date, it is because..
“He has two.” tweet

 

“Men are like a deck of cards. You’ll find the occasional king, but most are jacks.” ~Laura Swenson tweet

 

The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren’t looking, they notice her breasts. ~Conan O’Brien tweet

 

The only place men want depth in a woman is in her decolletage. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor tweet

 

“Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.” ~Kathy Lette tweet

 

Funny Quotes From Movies, TV Show

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“It’s just a flesh wound.” ~Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) tweet

 

“Just when I think you couldn’t possibly be any dumber, you go and do somethin’ like this — and totally redeem yourself! Ha Ha!” ~Dumb & Dumber (1994) tweet

 

 

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. ~The Princess Bride tweet

 

“Oh, and this one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy…” ~American Pie (1999) tweet

 

“This building has to be at least…. three times bigger than this!” ~Zoolander (2001) tweet

 

“They’re not gonna catch us. We’re on a mission from God.”  ~The Blues Brothers (1980) tweet

 

“Don’t you find it a little bit (of a) coincidence that the body fell perfectly within the chalk outline on the floor?”
– “I think they drew the chalk outline later.”
– “Ah!”
~The Pink Panther (2006) tweet

 

“I love you girls. Y’know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night!” ~Ted (2012) tweet

 

“I’ll have what she’s having.”  ~When Harry Met Sally… (1989) tweet

 

“…My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin’ on the porch with my family, singin’ and dancin’ down in Mississippi…” ~The Jerk (1979) tweet

 

“‘Greater good?’ I am your wife! I’m the greatest good you’re ever gonna get!” ~The Incredibles (2004) tweet

 

“Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room.”  ~Dr. Strangelove: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964) tweet

 

“I’m about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late ’90s.” ~Deadpool (2016) tweet

 

Funny Quotes From Famous People

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“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” ~Oscar Wilde tweet

 

 

“I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.” ~W. C. Fields tweet

 

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do. ~Chris Rock tweet

 

People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise. ~Bill Murray tweet

 

 

“My wife is going to kill me. But you look like my wife, so that’s OK!” ~Jay Leno tweet

 

“I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I’m one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.” ~Mel Brooks tweet

 

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women. ~Groucho Marx tweet

 

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. ~Chris Rock tweet

 

“He who can does—he who cannot, teaches.” ~George Bernard Shaw tweet

 

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. ~Jerry Seinfeld tweet

 

They say love is more important than money…Have you tried paying your bills with a hug? ~Dave Chappelle tweet

 

Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I’d have an excuse. ~Jimmy Fallon tweet

 

The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone’s advice. ~Eddie Murphy tweet

 

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like ! It was born 15 minutes ago it looks like a potato. ~Kevin Hart tweet

 

“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.” ~Jerry Seinfeld tweet

 

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? ~George Carlin tweet

 

 

Don’t text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don’t keep telling people what you’re doing. Also it lights up your big dumb face. ~Louis C.K. tweet

 

“Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.” ~George Bernard Shaw tweet

 

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? ~Robin Williams tweet

 

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada. ~Ellen DeGeneres tweet

 

People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant. ~Ellen DeGeneres tweet

 

Conclusion

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The 513 Best Funny Quotes With Beautiful Pictures To Share With Your Friends

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